I should have been excited that my 5 year old daughter was awarded “Monkey Bar Queen”.

It was their end of year Kindergarten Awards (because all 5 year olds need an award for surviving Kindergarten) and I was all geeked up that she would be bestowed “Most Awesomely-Precociously-Super- Intelligent” or “Wow-Your Kid-Has-Superior- DNA” award.

Not really.

Well, maybe.

We waited breathlessly to see what amazing Christmas card worthy award our offspring would receive.

The “Monkey Bar Queen” announcement hit my husband and I with this giant thud.

Really?

This was our kid that started Kindergarten at 4 1/2, reading at a first grade level, who knew the meaning of oxymoron, and could add and subtract.

Now, 17 years later, I realize how awesome that award was.

What her teacher was awarding her for was her bravery.

Her fearlessness. Her willingness to show others the way.

You see, this little girl was younger than the entire class. And yet, she was the only one who had mastered the entire Monkey Bar set.

All the way across.

Despite the height. Despite the upper body strength needed at her 95th percentile height and weight. Despite the fact that she WAS A GIRL.

Guess what she did when she learned how to do it? She coached the other kids how to do it as well.

This Monkey Bar Queen had figured out how to push past the fear and figure it out.  Today this is called Risky Play. It’s a precursor to discovering limits, critical thinking, and problem solving. It is also the number one way we develop confidence.

The way we learn to be brave.

Guess what? We encourage boys to do it. But not our daughters.

Shocker.

Scientific research has shown that many of these gender propensities are socially learned from an early age. So while why we are chalking up this risky play as “boys will be boys” we tell our daughters to “be careful” and that they “might get hurt.”

As a result, we girls learn to be afraid to try. We learn not to trust our own abilities. We defer to men.

Sound familiar?

Caroline Paul, author of The Gutsy Girl: Escapades for Your Life of Epic Adventure, shares this research and concept in her Tedx Woman talk “To Raise Brave Girls, Encourage Adventure”. Paul recounts a study around risky play in which researchers observed parental guidance and warnings around a playground fire pole. Little girls were more often warned of risk regarding fire pole play and if the little girls still wanted to attempt, the parents were likely to assist. Little boys on the other hand, were more often encouraged to play on the fire pole and when difficulties arose, they were coached and encouraged to overcome them…on their own.

Fire Pole Kings.

What message does this send? That girls are fragile and in need of more help, and that boys can and should master difficult tasks by themselves.

Think about that for a minute.

This is the message that women grow up believing, that men grow up believing and one that we pass along to our children.

Like I did. (Ugh).

How then, do we teach ourselves to be brave? Most importantly, how to we teach ourselves to teach our daughters how to be brave?

Bravery is Learned. Try this plan.

1. Risky play. (Yes for you and your daughter). Skateboard, Climb rocks, Ski mountains, try Cross-fit. Get outside of your physical comfort zone and try something you have been curious about but too “scared” to try. Practicing bravery, teaches bravery. Notice how you feel but recognize the feelings of exhilaration in addition to the fear. Find the joy in the moment. Access your bravery but going just a little farther than you wanted too.
2. Have an accountability partner. Find something that makes you fearful (speaking in front of strangers, traveling alone, going to a networking event) and set an intentional goal to face it this year. Share this intent with an accountability partner (spouse, bestie) who will help you process your fear in a healthy way and hold you to completing your goal.
3. Get out of your comfort zone weekly. This is a must. In order to learn to feel brave, you have to feel vulnerable but have nothing “bad happen”. The first time is the hardest. Keep a journal weekly and note the things you do each week that you would have never tried. The more frequently you do this, the more resilience (grit) you develop.
4. Find Motivation. Whether you cue up Fight Song, or I Want to See You Be Brave, get yourself a play list that gets your heart pumping and your she-powers activated. Copy down motivational quotes on your mirror. Listen to a daily motivational pod-cast. Preparing your mind for bravery is key and it is easier when your body gets excited first.
5. Share you pride and your power. Show your daughters or your girlfriends that you were worried but did it anyway. Talk them through their fears and encourage them to continue despite. Pull a colleague along with you in your bravery journey. Your confidence will increase if you can help someone else find theirs.

Celebrate Bravery.

If I could rewind time, I would go back to the Kindergarten Awards day and jump up and down for my Monkey Bar Queen. I would brag about it on Facebook and ask her to show me how to try it myself. Despite this parenting fail (and many others) she demonstrates bravery in many ways. Today, 17 years later, she can do kipping pull-ups at Cross-fit.

And I know she would be willing to teach you.

So go ahead.

What are you waiting for?

We want to see you be brave.

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