I’m sorry.

I really am.

It’s not your fault. (It’s probably mine).

But I am going to have to, pretty please,  ask you (my fellow women) to stop apologizing.

(Insert smiley face here).

Although my request, borders on the slightly ridiculous…it’s true. We women apologize for every inconvenience and misdeed in the world.

Not convinced? Watch this Pantene Ad and see if you see yourself. The (I’m) sorry is repeated no less than 11 times in the first 30 seconds  at work, at home, and even in bed.  (I’m sorry, I know that’s unnerving). But it definitively makes a point. Why do women apologize, it seems, for simply existing?

According to researchers Karina Schumann and Michael Ross, it’s not so much the fact that women apologize more (we don’t) but that men have a higher threshold as to what is deemed appropriate for apology.

“Men aren’t actively resisting apologizing because they think it will make them appear weak or because they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions,” said study researcher Karina Schumann, co-author of Why Women Apologize More Than Men:Gender Differences in Thresholds for Perceiving Offensive Behavior.  “It seems to be that when they think they’ve done something wrong they do apologize just as frequently as when women think they’ve done something wrong. It’s just that they think they’ve done fewer things wrong.”

So what’s with the lower bar, ladies?

Using “I’m sorry” as a bridge to an ask, interruption, or opinion immediately sets the conversation up with you at the disadvantage.

Think about that.

Instead of “softening” the ask, it will cast doubt as to whether you are worthy of asking.

I’m sorry, but now that I have your attention, let’s do something about it.

1. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. Start first by creating awareness and count the number of times you say “I’m sorry” in a typical day. Ouch. This will be painful. Creating awareness is the first step. In addition to becoming more aware of your own usage, you will begin to notice how often others use it too.
2. Power Pose  before important meetings or conversations to increase self-confidence. Claim space at the conference table. Don’t sit as if you don’t belong there. Your body language tells your mind how to feel (as well as sends a subliminal message to those around you).
3. Find a replacement word or phrase. If you are interrupting someone, a good old fashion “excuse me” eases the transition with respect, without putting yourself to blame for a needed discussion. Try a simple “thank you” if someone does something you should have (or think you should have) done.
4. Find an accountability partner. While writing this piece I asked my husband to call me out whenever I uttered the phase not directly tied to something I should be apologizing for. It only took about 20 minutes before he giddily had his first opportunity. Asking for accountability from someone who cares for you will offer an objective set of eyes.
5. Examine the facts. Are you saying “I’m sorry” for an actual apology? Do you have something to apologize for? If you did nothing wrong, do you want others to have the perception that you did?

Remember, where attention goes, energy flows. Therefore, by reading this article you will have brought attention and awareness to the habit.  Sharing this with you has already helped me to examine my use of the phrase.

And for that, I’m not sorry.

Join a community of  strong, smart, fearless women who believe in lifting up their sisters as they elevate themselves by visiting our Facebook Page Empowered Women, Empower Women.  No mean girls allowed.