Enough.
Enough that you think you are not enough. All of this not- enoughness is getting way out of hand.
Think about it.
How many times a day do these thoughts pop into your head?
I’m not good enough.
Skinny enough.
Smart enough.
Rich enough.
Pretty enough.
Popular enough.
Powerful enough.
Kind enough.
Confident enough.
When did we lose the ability to be self-compassionate to ourselves?
Last week I was helping my elderly parents by taking them to an appointment. I love spending time with them but have to admit it can be challenging to help get them to the car, get them in the car, get them out of the car…and so on.
(Patience is not my best virtue. I like to get things done, quickly.)
So as I was helping mom get into the back seat (and mentally ticking off the minutes that this was going to take) a stranger approached and said “I just want to let you know you made my day today by the kind way you treat your parents. I have been watching you come out of the building and you are so patient and kind. They are lucky to have you.”
Was she talking to me?
No, no, no. Not me. I am not nearly a good enough daughter.
If I were, I would not be having my impatient thoughts. I would be embracing and receiving joy out of spending these few precious extra minutes with the woman who gave birth to me. I, on the other hand, was not the saint she was making me out to be.
Massive guilt. Massive Not-Enoughness ran through my head.
It turns out that Enoughness is actually code for shame.
I was feeling shameful.
According to Dr. Rene Brown, we all have it. “Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only people who don’t experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection.”
So basically, if you don’t feel shameful at some point you are a sociopath.
(Well that’s good news, nice to know I can check that worry off my list.)
Dr. Brown explains shame further by clarifying that “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
Not feeling like we are enough really equates to us feeling unworthy.
Ok so now that we know we are not sociopaths (hopefully you too!) and we are feeling unworthy, how do we fix this thinking pattern in our heads and stop beating ourselves up.
Here are 6 Things to Remember when your inner critic steals the stage.
- Your Mind Can Not Be Trusted. Seriously. Ever hear the phrase “Don’t believe every thing you think”? It resonates for good reason. The stories that we tell ourselves as it relates to our worth are complex and deeply rooted in early patterns of thinking behavior. We give the most power to negative or self-limiting thoughts. When a thought like that enters your mind, recognize it for what it is. It’s a thought. It’s not a fact.
- Everyone Does it. You know that really cool, got-it-all-together woman that you compare your not-enoughness too? She is comparing herself as not enough as well. Yep. She doesn’t see what you see because she is too busy criticizing herself. Her Not-Enough list is as long as yours. (Isn’t that a relief?)
- There is more right with you than wrong with you. Ask your BFF or significant other to list all good things about you. Make a list. Yes, they will also be able to point out a few annoying habits, but as weighted scales go you most certainly tip the balance into the good side. We are all a work in progress and each day we try to tip the scale a little more in that right direction.
- Focus On Progress Rather Than Perfection. This is a really powerful thought. When I was helping my Mom and Dad, I was being patient on the outside (even though I was feeling impatient on the inside). I was being enough. I was acting out of loving kindness and sharing the moment. I didn’t need the inner thoughts of brain to be perfect too. When I received the compliment I should have appreciated the view of the bystander. In her view, and in my parents view, I was impacting them in a positive way. Shouldn’t that be enough?
- Name the Shameful Feeling. When the not-enough statements start popping into your brain. Call them out for what they are. Feelings of Shame and Unworthiness. Acknowledge that you are feeling this way. By pausing the thought and labeling it as a feeling rather than a fact you can lesson the self-critiquing. If there is something you would like to work on improving (such as your confidence or your weight) separate the feeling part from the goal achievement. Set up an action plan to move the meter from an objective point of view rather than an unworthy point of view.
- You Can’t Hate Your Way Into an Improved You. Telling yourself what a failure you are won’t make you any more successful. Telling yourself you are worthless and unlovable won’t make you feel more worthy or more loveable. Self-kindness and appreciation for the work-in-progress that you are will help you to make the choice to improve where you want to improve. Feeling guilty about not thinking patient thoughts was not going to make me more patient. Practicing patience and acknowledging progress will.
Basking in the knowledge that I am not a sociopath, helps too.
Want a little more Empowerment? We have a Tribe that does that. Seriously. A group of women (more than 600 strong) who area all working on their Enoughness. Sign up Below to become one of many. You can also find a link for our online Facebook Community here. I look forward to getting to know you better.
