It was the darn, lost laundry card that put her over the edge.
Melissa* had managed to endure a hard week full of nasty notes from her boss (written in red ink, underlined and highlighted) which fueled her workplace insecurities. She had braved the sub-zero, frigid wet weather of the Bomb Cyclone as she walked to work, barely able to put one frozen foot in front of the other. She had even accepted the accounting error on her paycheck, now making her already thin, bank account $250 dollars poorer.
But the lost laundry card broke her spirit. She was cold, beat down, and broke.
And now she couldn’t even have clean underwear.
Because let’s face it. When life gets hard (where taking just one more step seems overwhelming) no amount of motivational Instagram phrases will do. Overwhelming emotions need a different course of action to get you back on course. We tend to ruminate and overthink when we feel unequipped to handle just one. more. thing.
According to Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, author of Women Who Think Too Much “Trying to overcome overthinking is like trying to escape from quicksand. The first step to freedom is to break the grip of your thoughts so that they don’t continue to pull you down further, and eventually smother you.”
Let’s face it. Hard is hard. You can’t find the road to Empowerment if you are drowning on a daily basis.
But oftentimes you have to go wrong in order to go right.
The following 7 Steps will guide you when life gets hard and help you find your oxygen mask.
- 911 Self-Care. Start with the basic of human needs. Sleep, food, physical comfort. A quiet environment. A great bubble bath. If any of these needs are not met (or all of the above) everything else is blown out of proportion. When feeling completely overwhelmed the first step is to “HALT” and ask yourself if you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired and fix those deficits first. Do not proceed to Step 2 until Step 1 is met. It is a biological fact that you can’t think yourself into a better place if your biology won’t let you. Go ahead and put on your favorite baggy sweatpants.
- Distract and Get Distance. There is a reason that Netflix binges are so popular. Re-focusing your attention to something else will help get your patterns of disastrous thinking under control. Clean your house. Go for a walk. Read a fiction book. The time for analyzing and problem solving is not during the immediate storm.
- Examine the Evidence. Now we can begin a bit of review once step 1 and step 2 are taken care of. Reframing what is hard in your life right now is a necessary step. What do you need to approach differently in order to get a different result? What ownership do you have in your circumstances? What is factual and objective about the situation and what assumptions or context have you filled the blanks in with. It is your resistance to your suffering that is causing your discomfort. Acknowledging the evidence of “what is” can help you get to “what can be”.
- Find the Lesson. What (albeit painful) lessons have you learned? Not getting what you want or think you need can force you to reevaluate things and open new doors that would have been overlooked. Think back about the times when life shifted and new possibilities emerged for you. Was it tied to a period of hard times followed by extreme focus? Identifying the lesson will help you be specific about how to move forward. Blaming the universe will not. You may not have complete control over the stressor but you can control your reaction to it.
- Make a Plan. Pick one specific goal and at least two action items that can be instituted immediately to help you gain control and turn the ship around. Short on cash? Set up an automatic $10 weekly deduction to a separate checking account to begin start saving something. Add in packing your lunch 5 days a week and before you know it you will have saved a few hundred dollars for emergencies. Struggling at work? Set up a meeting with your boss to identify daily work goal to get you back on track. Pay attention to how small changes can begin to gain momentum.
- Plan Something to Look Forward To. Balance is most important when you are under periods of high stress. Put something on your calendar with your Female Tribe in the next 7 days, even if you don’t want to. Being social, with people who love and support you, can tip the balance and create positive emotions during a time where that seems impossible. Find that funny friend who seems to crack you up no matter what. Just go do it. I promise you will thank me later.
- Spend Time Growing You. You don’t need to invent the wheel for having a happy and successful life. There are many who have gone before us who have wisdom to share and ideas to try. Read. A lot. Reading others perspectives and life experiences will help you examine your own core values and give you direction. Reading someone else’s story will help you realize you are not alone in your life’s journey and give you a sense of community. Some of my favorite recommendations are : You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life by Jen Senciro, Weird in a World That’s Not: A Career Guide for Misfits, F*ckups, and Failures by Jennifer Romolini, and Start Right Where You Are: How Little Changes Can Make a Big Difference for Overwhelmed Procrastinators, Frustrated Overachievers, and Recovering Perfectionists by Sam Bennett. Not a reader? Try a podcast. There are many out there dedicated to helping you be the best you can be. One of my favorite inspirational ones is Sally Hubbard’s Women Killing It!
As for Melissa*, she took a shower, put on her least dirty pair of underwear, and went to bed. In the morning she decided to clean up her apartment, organize her room, and gain some perspective on her disastrous week. After 30 minutes of organizing herself, guess what she found? Her laundry card. This small little victory and feeling of accomplishment (and now clean clothes!) she felt able to move on to Steps 3 and beyond.
It’s the little things that make life less hard. Keep this in mind the next time the tide comes in. Just start swimming.
*The name has been changed to protect Melissa from her crazy boss while she looks for a new job.
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